i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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