Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
