a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
