Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
