If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
