There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
