He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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