I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
