if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
