they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
