my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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