mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
