and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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