im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
