i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
