well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
