did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's Friday. Sex?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
