I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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