when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
