Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
