Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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