I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
