My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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