shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
