I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
