quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
