does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
