you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
