i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
