saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
