he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I could fuck to npr.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
