I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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