When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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