I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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