yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
