my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
