You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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