Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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