I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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