Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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