if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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