my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
