mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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