I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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