no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
