I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
