If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
