I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
