That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
