im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
