She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
