i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
