a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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