Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
