I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Randomize
