here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
