I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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