is your mom at the bar?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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