too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
